Abandonment Chart (romantic Relationships)

As humans, we all seek meaning in life. We do not like uncertainty, we think that everything has a reason, a meaning, a connection. We try to exist with our own perceptions in a cause-effect relationship. We want to understand and make sense of ourselves, other people and the world. In line with this search for meaning, we form certain beliefs. We call these beliefs schemas. We have 18 early maladaptive schemas that get us in trouble. The reason why they put us in trouble is that they are not flexible, they are very rigid. These schemas are formed as a result of not meeting our basic needs in childhood. The most important of our basic needs are trust and love. As children, these two concepts interest us the most. If we have not been loved, protected and cared for, if we have not been in a peaceful environment, if we have not experienced a sense of continuity with our parents in our childhood, the basis of our negative beliefs and schemas will be formed. In other words, our schemas are lifelong patterns, they are self-destructive and are our fight for survival.

I would like to talk about the abandonment scheme, which is one of these 18 schemes. The abandonment schema, like other schemas, begins to form with beliefs in our childhood. Beliefs in this schema are formed as a result of the abandonment, absence, or death of a parent or caregiver. Beliefs such as ‘everyone will leave me anyway, this relationship will end one day’ in our romantic relationships shows that we have this schema. Assumptions such as ‘what if he leaves me or doesn’t love me’ show our fear of being abandoned.

In addition to these, an abandonment schema may occur in children who grow up with an overprotective family structure. Children who grow up with an overprotective family structure believe that they cannot cope with problems in life on their own and may form an abandonment scheme.

So if you have an abandonment scheme, how do we get out of it? As I mentioned at the beginning, our beliefs are very strict, we cannot expect them to change all of a sudden, so the most basic point of this process is to be patient. Next;

  • Instead of running, face it, go for it
  • Stay away from unstable and inconsistent people
  • Avoid intense emotional reactions to normal breakups
  • Feel free to express your feelings
  • Take care to spend time with yourself

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